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Cat in the Hat, The Reviewed By Collin Souter Posted 11/24/03 08:41:11

"Wait, it gets creepier..." (Total Crap)

“The Cat In the Hat”—and its titular characters’ likeness—has the (un)fortunate timing of being released the same week as Michael Jackson’s mug shot. The similarities between these two circus sideshows are eerie. Both could permanently scar the delicate psyches of children across the globe in the same way Pennywise from “It” or Benigni’s “Pinocchio” have done in the past. Compare the pictures of Jacko and The Cat by covering the cat’s hat and his lower jaw. Pay close attention to the eyes, the whiteness of the skin, the jet- black hair and the fact that both characters love to play with children. Imagine the Cat wearing lipstick. Now, ask yourself: Do I really want to leave my kids alone with this guy?No. No, you don’t. You must exorcise your will against this sort of celluloid molestation. “The Cat In the Hat” is a creepy, vulgar and headache-inducing bastardization of the Dr. Seuss classic and should be shelved immediately in case parents decide to sue the studios for child endangerment. Believe me, the studios will need more than “it’s only 82 minutes” for their defense. But, like the parents who left their kids alone with The Gloved One, the parents who take their kids to this movie are not completely blameless, especially when they have kinder, gentler, smarter choices like “Looney Tunes,” “Elf” or “Brother Bear” to choose from. Of course, because of the unparalleled marketing blitz behind this litterbox bottom feeder, parents will succumb to the weekly popularity contest by choosing hype over substance, a turd over catnip. Once they have the kids settled into their seats and have popped the Aleve pill, parents will notice about 10 minutes in that their kids have become victims. As my fellow colleague Erik Childress asked me while the movie tortured us: “Are we just lucky that we got to grow up with Spielberg and Dante?” Can today’s children really “grow up” with this kind of movie? Not when it’s as crass as this. “The Cat In the Hat” was made with the kind of cynicism that screams out, “Hey, kids are morons. Let’s make a movie for them and release it during the holidays when they are at their greediest!” Of course, it’s not entirely aimed at children. Mike Myers, who plays The Cat under gobs of make-up (similar to Jim Carry in “The Grinch”), has a following of teenagers and Gen-Xers alike. The cheerful colors of the set invite the children in, while Myers’ shtick of self-aware irony is used to entertain the adults. But there’s no movie here. “The Cat In the Hat” feels like a desperate exorcise in reading the Seuss book to children, but reading it veeeeeeerrrrrrryyyyyyy, veeeeeeeerrrrrrrryyyyyyy sloooooooooooowwwwwwwwlllyyyyyyyyyy, so as to fill up their time as much as possible without really giving them anything. The story, if you remember, is about a Mom (played in the movie by Kelly Preston) who leaves her two kids alone in the house and a mischievous cat who entertains them and makes a mess of things. That’s fine for a 15-20 minute short, but forcing in sub-plots involving the Mom’s tyrannical, obsessive-compulsive boss (Sean Hayes) and a villainous neighbor/love interest (Alec Baldwin) who wants to send the Mom’s kids to military school completely casts the movie adrift from the mainland of Seuss’ sensibilities, charm and wit. It’s padding for padding’s sake and laced with piss/fart/vomit jokes. The actors hired for the job don’t make the chore of watching this movie easier to accomplish. The daughter, Sally, is played by that vacant Stepford child, Dakota Fanning, whose character is supposed to be Little Miss Perfect. Something tells me there’s not a lot of “acting” going on here. The boy, Conrad, is played by Spencer Breslin, who clearly suffers from Over-Coached Child Actor Syndrome. Kelly Preston shows up, says her lines and cashes the check, all while wondering how on earth Scientology will her guide her through this ordeal. And Alec Baldwin embarrasses himself in a way we haven’t seen since “Thomas The Tank Engine” (I bet he thought we would have forgotten that by now). Myers is Myers, and it gets pretty tired after the first five minutes. The poor guy hired to direct this is none other than the brilliant production designer Bo Welch, who is responsible for bringing many fantastic worlds to life (the “Batman” movies, “Joe Versus the Volcano,” “A Little Princess,” among countless others). He would seem to be a logical choice in breathing visual life into a Seuss adaptation and the movie looks appropriately colorful and minimal in detail. It’s Welch’s debut as a director, but he has been given such a dismal canvas of screenwriters, actors and overhead to work from that it seems to overwhelm any talent he might have in the coveted director’s chair. It’s a loud, frantic mess of a movie that delivers nothing in the way of emotion or morality.Granted, I gave “The Grinch” a pass, because I am the most forgiving Jim Carrey fan in the world and at the time I saw it, I walked out a very pleased Jim Carrey fan. I’m sure if I watched the movie again, it wouldn’t hold up. “The Cat in the Hat” has little to nothing going for it. Like a new Michael Jackson album, it is mass-produced, over-marketed and caters to nobody in particular. Just as Bad and just as Dangerous, but not nearly Thrilling or Invincible. Just a lot of empty noise that doesn’t deserve to fly Off The Walls once it comes out on video. Again, parents, look at The Cat, then at Michael. Once you see the Man In the Mirror, you and yours kids should just Beat It.
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