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Deep Impact Reviewed By Slyder Posted 08/20/01 14:35:17

"A Deep Impact Down Into Hell" (Total Crap)

Honestly, I’ve seen well-made depressing flicks that at least give a final touch that is uplifting and help raise your feelings towards the very end. That’s a type of example that you can find on excellent films like The Elephant Man or Kramer Vs. Kramer. But this film, just goes down into depression at its worst, and gives more of a feeling that it’s best for you to commit suicide right there whether it was the theater or the TV screen. That’s how I felt after watching this fucking awful piece of inbreeded shit. Honestly, if you even liked this movie, you’re probably a fucking retard, I was desperately looking for a suicide solution after watching this turkey, I couldn’t sleep for the rest of the night, it was JUST that bad.So, there’s e big-ass comet the size of Mount Everest, orbiting near Earth, a kid called Leo (Elijah Wood) discovers it, and becomes famous, well, many years later because the guy who confirms the discovery and finds out that the comet is in a direct path to Earth, is killed in a freak car accident, due to desperation and freakish bad luck (Bah, unoriginal). Then a MSNBC reporter called Jenny Lerner (Tea Leoni) tries to uncover a supposed sex scandal in the White House, and a girl called “Ellie.” She later finds out that it’s actually E.L.E (Extinction Level Event), and that it’s a meteor, not a girl, which is the problem. Then she meets President Tom Beck (Morgan Freeman), who tells her about the government’s plans to sent a spaceship called “The Messiah,” headed by Capt. Spurgeon “Fish” Tanner (Robert Duvall), to head out and try to destroy the comet, which of course they don’t, in fact, they divide the comet in two (That’s no spoiler, you know they’re not going to destroy in the first shot) and the fucker is still headed towards Earth. Guess the outcome.Ok, first of all, how could such great actors like Morgan Freeman, Robert Duvall, Maximillian Schell, and Vanessa Redgrave sign up to this fucking drek? Furthermore, why the fuck was Steven Spielberg involved in this film? What a bunch of wasted talent. With such a lame-ass script written by Michael Tolkien, the film tumbles right from the beginning. Ok, the only upside was the probability of the situation, a meteor wiped the dinosaurs 65 million years ago, and it could happen today, we just don’t know when. That’s the only high point; it goes all downhill from there. The supposed twist at the beginning is so unoriginal and idiotic; it makes me want to cry. The rest of the plot leads to an artificial exercise in emotional manipulation that tries to make you feel sorry for the characters in the film. Sure, like I’d give a shit about Tea Leoni’s antics and problems. Mimi Leder can sign herself as candidate for worst director of the new millennium, because the manipulation exercise she gives out, doesn’t deliver a damn thing, and furthermore, it will either give out a few chuckles or even more so, a couple of pissed off rants. Also because Leder has directed such trash favorites like The Peacemaker and Pay It Forward. Leoni gives out one of the most wooden performances ever in the film, and like other people here, I was glad that she ended up dead in that huge-ass wave that hits the coast when the piece of meteor hits the earth, because Leoni is so bad here that sometimes I think if she had shown her tits and ass, maybe I would’ve liked this film, but I seriously doubt it, since with or without them, she can’t act, or maybe she doesn’t. Now, are we supposed to feel a damn thing about Leo marrying his sweetheart (Leelee Sobieski) at age 13? Guess not, because I didn’t feel a thing. As said before, the film is so repulsive and depressive that in the end, it doesn’t give out anything uplifting and leaves you in a dark void, just waiting for the knife to strike. Not even the speech of our President can help us from our utter depression.LOOK, lets cut the bullshit. The fucking film was predictable, if you’re smart enough like I think you are, the human side will always win, no matter what. That’s how many summer shit movies are always going to end. The good side always wins. Shit, how formulaic. Ok, maybe I’m going a bit off the edge, if a good movie uses this formula well, then yes, it’s worth a praise, but not this one. The ending of the film or climax has to be one of the lames plotholes ever, all wasting itself with the hill-climbing scene, which was a crock of shit. The FX was okay, but when it got to the comet, I just wanted to laugh. IT LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING PIECE OF CHEESE!!! What a lame effect, ugh.The worst of it all, was EVEN yet to come after the film ended. How in the FUCK did this film manage to gross so much millions, and how did it get so much positive praise when in reality it’s another wasted pile of celluloid? The answer lies in the billing. The fucker studio execs said probably “Hey, well, we have a bad script, but lets just bill Steven Spielberg on it, and we’ll fork out 150 million.” Yeah, that hype technique never fails, and unfortunately we don’t realize how shitty can a film turn out until we’re inside the theater praying for our lives and with our seven bucks wasted.The performances were horrible all over, Lot’s of talent wasted. To all those great actors and actresses that participated in this film: Please, next time read the script before agreeing to appear in it, because if you don’t, you’ll end up in the annals of Hollywood all without work and treated as has-beens, and that’s what kills an actor. Tea Leoni, please, go back to acting school because tits and ass aren’t going to get you far, I guarantee you, talent does, and unless you do something about it, you’ll end up being a talent-less bitch. Director Mimi Leder, you have a great future in girlsploitation, keep on going on your task in being Spielberg’s other bitch, since that’s what your only good for. Forget about filmmaking FOREVER!!!In the end, avoid this film, at all costs. I only recommend it for people who have certain suicidal tendencies, believe me; this is better than the knife or the pills. For us intelligent people, stay away from it man, it’s not worth your money or your life. (0.5-5)
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